Update for September 15, 2016

We received a bit more information in the last few weeks regarding my recurrence of inflammatory breast cancer and I wanted to give you an update.

As I mentioned in my last post, recent scans show the recurrence is loco/regional, meaning the disease is only in my chest wall “in two tiny lymph nodes”, as quoted by Dr. Beth Overmoyer, the IBC specialist from Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, who is overseeing my care with the help of my local oncologist.

Within hours after posting my last update, I received another call from her confirming what we already knew, this was indeed IBC, and again, it is highly aggressive.

After studying my pathology, she preferred to start me on a clinical trial, which would have required one day in Boston every three weeks. However, although there were three ongoing trials she thought I would benefit from, there were no slots available for me to participate in any of those trials. She explained availability changes almost daily, but she did not want me to go without treatment while waiting for a slot, so she started me on the oral medication, Xeloda.

I will take this for six weeks (two rounds) and please pray with me, that this works, and will stop progression. If it does, I will continue on this regimen indefinitely. If not, we go to Plan B. At this time. I have no idea what that will be, so let’s just pray there will be no need for a Plan B anytime soon. (Or at all.)

I saw my oncologist in Little Rock this morning and he was pleased with how well I was tolerating the medication. (Which was news to me, because I am very weak, fatigued, and GRUMPY— and if you don’t believe me, ask Patrick, he will verify.) 🙂

Apparently, I’m tolerating the side effects so well, he may add an additional pill. When he mentioned a possible additional dose, I could actually hear Patrick cringe while sitting next to me. Bless his heart. (And bless the kids heart. And bless anyone else’s heart who has to be around me on a daily basis.)

I’ve been asked some very difficult questions lately about my thoughts on facing this battle a second time, especially since I had such a miraculous response the first time and was doing so well.

I’ve been trying to come up with answers and have realized, I have very few. I’ve heard myself saying “I don’t know” quite a lot recently.

When we experience trauma and/or grief, even if we have served God our whole lives, it forces us to question our theology and definition of who God really is and what He’s capable of doing in our lives and the lives of those we love.

I’ve done some hardcore praying and processing and here’s what I know to be true, regarding this, and any other crisis I face.

God is real.

God is able.

God is good.

No matter what life throws at us.

God is real.

God is able.

God is good.

I love the story of the three Hebrew children in Daniel 3. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused to bow down and worship an image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

The king was furious when he learned they did not obey, so he asked that they be brought before him, and just in case they misunderstood, he gave them a second chance, then sternly told them what their punishment would be if they did not obey his command.

With the knowledge that they were going to be thrown into a blazing furnace if they did not bow and worship the gold statue, they still refused.

Their response in verse 17 and 18 is so very powerful.

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Why does God allow such pain and grief when He can prevent it? How is fighting cancer a second time working for my good?

I can’t answer those questions, or a million other “why” questions I’ve had lately. But here’s the thing, I’m not God, so I can’t possibly grasp what His “good” is for me (or you).

All I know is that I will continue to stand on the truth of who I know God is, even if I don’t get what I want.

My circumstances don’t change God’s character.

Just because life doesn’t go according to your (or my) plans of how we’ve always dreamed everything would be, our crisis and pain does not change who God is.

God is real.

God is able.

God is good.

I want to have the faith of the Hebrew children when they say, “The God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your Majesty’s hand.”

And I want to know God well enough that I can also say, “But even if He does not . . .“

He is still real, He is still able, and He is still good.

I recently heard a song “Who You Are” by JJ Heller and I resonated with this lyric; “Sometimes I don’t know what you’re doing, but I know who you are.”

If you too, are experiencing an unexpected and unwelcome change that was not at all how you pictured your life to be, my prayer for you is that although you may never know the answers to all of your “whys”, you will know who He is, and regardless of your circumstances, He will give you the strength to stand on this truth.

He is real.

He is able.

He is good.

“Even if He does not . . .”